Wednesday, July 01, 2015

A Good Day To Let Go

The weekend was spent at a retreat house with all the other Handmaids of the Lord participants. I know it's midweek but I just really had to compose my thoughts before I share. 

If truth be told, I really didn't expect much from the retreat, I didn't expect something so extra ordinary to happen, I've been to retreats before but nothing really ever came out of it, well from my end at least, just ordinary days spent outside of the house with the company of friends. So yea, I came there with no expectations at all, well, I guess I expected to enjoy myself but no self discovery expectations at all. But lo and behold! Through the grace of God, I had a lot of realizations that weekend, but I didn't expect it to make quite an impact on my life.  

Anyways, I knew I was angry, I go to confession always bringing that with me, I can't seem to let go of the anger, and I thought I knew where it was coming from, or so I thought. At the retreat, I kept praying for God to let me let go of the anger since I knew it was already affecting many of the relationships I have with family and friends, that first night, I didn't want to and I was actually trying to stop myself but tears fell that night... and loads and loads of them... I got a letter from someone very dear and that letter opened up yet another can of worms (so to speak) and brought me to another realization. The next day, our host asked a few of us to testify about the retreat and what we felt, not everyone was privileged to speak on the microphone. I was group 3 and my group mates were egging me to be the representative of the group. I really didn't know what to say, my mind was a blank, and I was walking towards the front (not a long walk since I was seated in front) I thought about what I learned in the retreat. As I spoke, words automatically came out of my mouth, I was thinking that I was going to say a different thing but out came the words that I didn't expect.  From that speech, came the truth - I realized where the anger was coming from and how it was consuming me on the inside, again as I spoke, I fought tears but fell they did and I finally stopped myself from stopping it and let it fall freely. After the speech, I felt oddly at peace and for the first time in a very very long while I felt happy. 

Today is my husband's nephew's birthday and the two of us, we haven't been talking... we had some words a while back and I was really mad at him for a lot of things and my heart was saying to patch things up with him and let go of the anger. I thought I'd message him on FB and say my piece, so I  looked him up on FB only to realize that he blocked me. Well, I guess we were both mad at each other. and I thought to myself that I had my escape, my pride was talking, that if he blocked me on fb then so be it, at least the attempt to make peace was there, only it didn't pan out... But I was being prompted to do something, I was restless and I felt like God was bugging me to find a way to get my message across, so finally I wrote a letter apologizing and forgiving as well. I kept the letter on my back pocket for the whole afternoon, still deciding whether I will give it or not... after dinner, I asked his sister to give it to him. There it was DONE. I'm not sure if she gave it to him already and if she did, if he read it or threw it in the trash, either way, the next move is already on him. I know that I did my part and I am at peace with that. 

And as I said, for the first time in a very very long while, I feel peace in my heart. I was able to let go of the anger I felt deep within that I can lower my pride and take the first step, that I can truly forgive and ask for forgiveness as well. I have never felt more free. Thank goodness that God loves me enough to work within me and change me, change my heart... I know there's still work to be done, that God isn't finished with me yet, there's a lot more to do but I'm confident that God is working in me and that in time, I'll be the great success God wants me to be... 

Indeed it is a good day to let go.. don't you think?

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