Sunday, January 13, 2008

Who are you?

It never occured to me how much I've changed since I got married. I used to be this happy go lucky gal who don't give a moments care to tomorrow and does everything she wants, when she wants to he** with what anyone else will think or say. Now, I'm this strict mom who wants everything done in order and as safely as possible. I became a responsible adult who refuses to let the kids eat chocolate at night (a deed I did when I was younger).

I'm thinking if that is a bad thing or a good thing. I weigh and I measure, and still cannot find an answer. My mind is confused and chaotic, I try to figure out how to balance discipling my children and myself in order to live harmonously with each other. I do not like getting mad and upset with my children. And I most specially don't like the feeling it leaves behind. I used to smile a lot and laugh a lot, now I find my smiles and laughs are superficial, when all I want to do is cry.

I never used to be a people pleaser but now I find myself trying to please almost every body even if my mind actively refuses it, my mouth and actions says otherwise. I try to please my children, give them most of my time, what they need and about 75% of the time what they want.

I want to be happy, truly and really happy, I know I haven't been for a little while now. I smile and try to ignore the nagging thoughts and feelings I have but the more I try to ignore them, the more they seem to manifest themselves, making me a little less of a likeable person to most people in the house.

I'm still looking, I'm still searching for ways to recover and find a little bit of the old me and find joy in the simplest things around me. Find the positive in the very negative. The way I was. I'm looking, I'm searching deep inside myself where that happy little girl had gone, I know she's there, somewhere, just waiting to be found and when I do, I know that this cloud of despair hanging above my head will completely disappear and with it all my hang-ups and I'd truly be a happy person.

Looking and finding myself will not be easy, I know it will be a long long journey, with all the bumps, potholes, and zigzags, I might even take a nasty fall, but it will all be worth the trouble, worth all the hardships, coz only then can I truly say, I'm happy


Bobby said...

I hope you find happiness!!!! I know how it can be, not being I share some of mine with you!!!

J Morgetron said...

I think it's really easy to morph into mom mode and lose yourself. I struggle with this, even after almost thirteen years of parenting.

CaNdi said...

Thanks, bobby...I hope so too. I hope that one day I can smile for real ^_^

yes, J it's so easy to loose oneself when mommy is needed and you let go and be a mom and wife and everything else but yourself. I'm comforted to know I'm not alone in this struggle. thanks

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