Sunday, November 11, 2007

on fear, self, parenting, and learning to let go

or trying to, at least.
My son has been sick for the past two or three weeks, mind you, it's from different causes. One was he had a nose bleed which the doctors said as dengue. Then after that, he had an ear infection which we had him treated for, after that I think as a side effect of the antibiotics he was given, he now has diarrhea, and broke out into rashes, last night I was so afraid for him that I wasn't able to sleep well. I was so afraid that if I fall asleep, I would wake up and find there's a new problem for me to face with him, my fear is so great that i'd rather lose sleep than risk that I might miss a significant event that will significantly change my child. I think at one point or another a parent undergoes this 'fear' specially moms, who I think are more affected when things like this happens. I am really feeling under the weather, my cough has been going on for so long now, I don't want to count anymore, I think added to my ill health is the stress of worrying about my youngest that my body is failing to quickly heal itself, I realize this but I cannot help myself, he's my son and I don't want him to suffer because I wasn't paying attention. I want to let go and know that I cannot control all circumstances, that I have to trust that God is watching over him and that he will be all right. I want to stop worrying, I'm wanting to relax and know for myself that I already did what I had to with regards to my son's health but my 'motherly instinct' if I'll be allowed to use the term kicks in and worrying starts all over again, I really pray that this will end soon or else I might find myself on the brink of breakdown if I don't have a breakdown at all. I just hope and pray that I learn to let go of my worries or else risk my own self, physical and otherwise, and in the end all of us will suffer....

No comments:

Related Posts with Thumbnails