Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Happy Birthday Papa

October 16, 2006 should have marked my Dad's 62nd birthday, but unfortunately he didn't make it that far, so I decided to give some sort of a memoriam for my father.

Papa, as I call him, is not what I can call a perfect father, he was a good father, yes, maybe, all I can remember now is how often he wasnt' home and that when he was he spent most of it sleeping. He provided for us, yes. He would pay for my tuition fee at school, give me my weekly allowance, give me money to buy books and school supplies. Give us a some extra money during special occasions like our birthdays and christmas. I remember that Papa was very slow to anger, he would rather let mama bellow and do the spanking than him. I remember only a couple of times when he did spank me, and it was during my 'rebellious days' when I would do everything in power to get into trouble. He started only with a heart to heart talk which ended with him mad and frustrated at me.
I also remember the parties we had during his birthdays when prominent people in our community would attend, a future city mayor, congressmen or councilors, even some actors would come to the house to celebrate with us.
I remember the business we started and ended, wholesale rice, the famous litson manok, even an aerobics fitness center
I remembered how he grieved when Lola died. I saw him cry for the first time in my life and thought to myself how must he love lola. I remember that during the first year or two of lola's death, we would frequent the cemetery every week to visit her.
I remembered his self pity when his body succumbed to stroke and he wasn't able to move half of his body. I remembered how hard it was to treat him and I remember how he wanted to heal and how I was upset when he would call me even at midnight for his therapy sessions, specially when I was already trying to sleep or had something else to do.
I remember his joy when he learned how to use the computer and play free cell. I remember he would play the whole afternoon, how he would "eject" me or my brother in front of the computer when he wanted to play.
I remembered how he was and wasn't there at certain occassions in my life, our lives that somehow shaped how our lives ended up for us.
Papa was not the perfect father, he may not even be the father I wanted him to be. He had his faults, a series of bad decisions on his part. Mistakes made he decided to take on, he was not the model father people would be proud to call their dad. But I guess I myself have not been a good daughter to him. I gave him headaches during my school years, not only with high tuition fees I refuse to pay in installment coz I refuse to fall in looooonggg lines during payment season and those school books I asked him to buy which I didn't even use, but also for all those stupid mistakes people make when they're young. and also for somewhat hating him for loving another woman other than our mother.

To Papa: I know that you know (maybe not before but now) that I love you as much as a daughter can love a father. I may not understand everything you did nor accept all your decisions but I know that you did what you thought was best (even if it was just for you) during that time. Please find peace in the knowledge that I have forgiven you for everything that I thought you did wrong to your family during your lifetime and I pray that you have forgiven not only me but all of us for all that you thought we did you wrong. I have many regrets, and one of those is that I wasn't able to visit you on your last birthday. If only I could turn back time, I would have come to you and let you know that I do care and do wish you well, that inspite of all that happened I am still your daughter and I relish in the fact that you are my father. and how I wish I could have given you some joy by visiting you more often. As your other family holds on to your ashes, this family you have here hold on to you in our hearts. Pa mahal na mahal kita, sana naintindihan at napatawad mo kami sa lahat ng naging kasalanan namin sa iyo, at ikapayapa mo ang kaalaman na kami rin ay napatawad ka na sa mga sala mo naman sa min. Pa, please do rest in peace.

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